Main lobbydirectory
Rm 212 · Gift shopFront entrance
gift shopCare+ unavailableinventory spiritually depleted
Retail therapy
Gift shop
Fill a cart. Fail at checkout. Leave with emotional merch you never received.
Retail therapy
Gift shop
Inventory is spiritually depleted at checkout. Browsing is free.
USB urn
$29Holds 16GB of ashes or Word docs. Same thing.
I ♥ BSOD mug
$18Heat-activated blue screen. Emotionally.
Sorry your time is up sticker
$4Fits laptops, printers, relationships.
Power-LED candle
$22Smells like ozone and acceptance.
Care+ membership
$99/moSkip the line. Still never get a doctor.
Code Beige hoodie
$64Warm. Sad. Machine washable denial.
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ST Joe's Computer Hospice · Wayfinding
Other rooms
You are here · Main lobby17 rooms
Enter another room — or hit Main lobby to return to the directory.
Intake & Triage
Level 1Sign in · assessment · on-call
- Rm 101Is it time?IntakeClinical flowchart. Miracle boots, Best Buy shame, ICD-PC stickers.Enter room →
- Rm 102Five stages of griefPastoralDenial through Acceptance — then a shareable stage diagnosis.Enter room →
- Rm 103Call DoctorOn-callIVR, hold music, Care+ cut-ins, voicemail to /dev/null.Enter room →
- Rm 104Waiting room camLobbyLive-ish power LED feed and a ticker of fake patients.Enter room →
Paperwork Wing
Level 1Forms · certificates · excuses
- Rm 110DNR certificateFormsName the machine. Download a screensaver.Enter room →
- Rm 111Discharge papersFormsReleased against medical advice. Still won't boot.Enter room →
- Rm 112Doctor's noteExcusePlease excuse OptiPlex — terminal Windows Update.Enter room →
- Rm 113Certificate packBundleAdmit → DNR → discharge → condolence. Full send-off.Enter room →
Chapel & Ceremony
Level 2Quiet hours preferred
- Rm 201Memorial wallChapelLast words, candles, Patient of the Week.Enter room →
- Rm 202Power-LED vigilChapelQuiet glow for machines in transition.Enter room →
- Rm 203Condolence cardChapelWe're sorry for your OptiPlex. Shareable preview.Enter room →
- Rm 204Last ritesCeremonyName + OS → a short eulogy for the group chat.Enter room →
Family Services
Level 2Visitors · retail · recreation
Administration
BasementHR · not Joe 3
Quiet hours · no forced firmwareEmergencies: ST Joe's AI (corner) · Code Beige
Select a room number to enter · elevators not guaranteed