Main lobbydirectory
Rm B01 · We're hiringFront entrance
NOW HIRING: emotional support for hard drivesJOE 3 NEED NOT APPLY (again)benefits: tissue boxes · no hope · free staticsorry your resume is up
Human resources · sort of
We're hiring
One screening question, a fake benefits lounge, visitor badges, and a resume drop that rejects on principle.
Hiring intake question
Mandatory intake question
Is your name Joe 3?
Be honest. We have a clipboard. The clipboard has feelings.
ST Joe's Computer Hospice · Wayfinding
Meanwhile, in the wards
You are here · Main lobby17 rooms
While HR rejects you, the machines still need company.
Intake & Triage
Level 1Sign in · assessment · on-call
- Rm 101Is it time?IntakeClinical flowchart. Miracle boots, Best Buy shame, ICD-PC stickers.Enter room →
- Rm 102Five stages of griefPastoralDenial through Acceptance — then a shareable stage diagnosis.Enter room →
- Rm 103Call DoctorOn-callIVR, hold music, Care+ cut-ins, voicemail to /dev/null.Enter room →
- Rm 104Waiting room camLobbyLive-ish power LED feed and a ticker of fake patients.Enter room →
Paperwork Wing
Level 1Forms · certificates · excuses
- Rm 110DNR certificateFormsName the machine. Download a screensaver.Enter room →
- Rm 111Discharge papersFormsReleased against medical advice. Still won't boot.Enter room →
- Rm 112Doctor's noteExcusePlease excuse OptiPlex — terminal Windows Update.Enter room →
- Rm 113Certificate packBundleAdmit → DNR → discharge → condolence. Full send-off.Enter room →
Chapel & Ceremony
Level 2Quiet hours preferred
- Rm 201Memorial wallChapelLast words, candles, Patient of the Week.Enter room →
- Rm 202Power-LED vigilChapelQuiet glow for machines in transition.Enter room →
- Rm 203Condolence cardChapelWe're sorry for your OptiPlex. Shareable preview.Enter room →
- Rm 204Last ritesCeremonyName + OS → a short eulogy for the group chat.Enter room →
Family Services
Level 2Visitors · retail · recreation
- Rm 210Visiting hours bingoVisitingMark symptoms. Bingo unlocks Code Beige.Enter room →
- Rm 211Family conferenceConferenceShould we upgrade? Every path converges on hospice.Enter room →
- Rm 212Gift shopRetailUSB urns and BSOD mugs. Checkout fails spiritually.Enter room →
- Rm 213Ward soundboardAudioFan spin-down, HDD click, XP shutdown, hold sting.Enter room →
Quiet hours · no forced firmwareEmergencies: ST Joe's AI (corner) · Code Beige
Select a room number to enter · elevators not guaranteed